Whenever my husband had to deploy, I was asked by friends if I planned on going home until he returns. I know my parents would welcome me with open arms and I appreciate it. I appreciate them.
I remember when Tom went to Korea for a year, people were surprised to learn that I wasn't packing up my kids and going home.
So why is "going home" not for me?
Let me explain.
1. I feel like I am home.
My home is with my family--as in my husband and children. Maybe I feel this way because I was a military brat. We were always moving around so I didn't grow up in one home. Even when my husband is gone, it's still my home, with my belongings.
2. I like my own things.
As in, my television. Yes, I watch a lot of ridiculous shows on it. My father would not like these ridiculous shows. He has his own schedule of things he watches every night. There is no place for Real Housewives. There is a TV upstairs, but it's in the same room where my son sleeps, so I'd be missing a lot of my programs. Yes, I would watch them online but it's not the same. I also like having my books around me.
3. I need junk food.
My parents don't appreciate junk food as I do. Of course they indulge, but not as much as I do. They mean well, but I can imagine comments being made, "Another candy bar? How about I cut you up some carrots?"
4. I didn't have a baby.
Whenever my husband left, my kids were at least over the age of three. Maybe if I had a baby I'd have considered going home, but honestly, I doubt it. I just really like my possessions and space too much.
5. My kids would have to leave their schools and enter a new one.
Sometimes when my husband left my kids weren't always in school yet. But when they were, it didn't make sense to pull them out of a school and away from their friends. I'd want my kids to have stability.
6. I'm able to visit my family.
I might not go live with them, but we do visit. So it's not like I'm completely without family.
7. I have my own schedule of how I like to do things.
If I moved in with my parents, this might be messed up. I would no longer be the only adult so I'd have to respect their wishes. When my husband is gone, I already have enough on my mind so I'd be irritated if I couldn't do things the way I wanted to do them.
8. I can manage.
With the help of friends, I'm always able to survive deployments. Of course I have moments when I feel like I can't do it--but my friends are the ones who help remind me that yes I CAN do it. Or they'll invite me over for chocolate and cake. Chocolate and cake can fix anything. (And a lovely cocktail can help as well..)
Did you go home when your husband deployed? Or if your husband is not in the military but has gone away due to work, would you go home?
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Yeah, everyone has their own personal choice but if it were me with kids in school, I would probably stay put for them. And plus its always nicer having your own things around you...!
ReplyDeleteI am lucky I have not had to make that choice but I think being on my own turf and schedule is the best for me and therefore of course it would be the best for my kids!
ReplyDeleteI feel like this choice depends so much on the person making it and even the season they are in! Thanks for sharing. I don't believe I'd go home, and I see a lot of the same reasons in your post.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the mention :) It is such a personal choice for sure. And big kids makes such a difference too.
ReplyDeleteI would totally stay in my home! For similar reasons to yours!
ReplyDeleteBefore my husband's first deployment, I contemplated going home but for a lot of the reasons you listed (minus the kids, since we don't have any yet!) I ultimately determined it was not the right decision for me. I got a lot of those comments too - being alone with no attachments to keep me where I was, why didn't I go home to my family and friends? And while it would have been great to have them close by for support, they were only a phone call away and I felt I had a lot more support ny staying near a military community where most people understood how I was feeling. Not saying my family didn't try, but since we don't have any military in our family there are things about this life they just don't get, and sometimes it's easier to not have to explain. Definitely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong - so many pros and cons to both. Thanks for your post!
ReplyDeleteYes, I always felt support from the military community and never felt alone. Thank you for the comment!
DeleteI'm with you. I like my space way too much, and as much as I'd appreciate help with my baby, I definitely would NOT move back in with my family. No way. We haven't had to deal with a separation yet as a married couple, but I would absolutely stay at my own home.
ReplyDeleteWe aren't a military family, but I see your points. I think if my husband were to be gone for a long period of time AND I'd just had a baby, I would consider staying with my parents for a bit. Mine are old enough that it would be more trouble than it's worth to move now.
ReplyDeleteThat last one is the most important one. Not a military family here. My husband occasionally goes away and it's fun to have my mom come stay here to help, but I consider here home. I stopped thinking of my parent's house as home ages ago.
ReplyDeleteValid points!
I was already home when my husband deployed. I grew up in a military town, which was also where we were stationed. When my husband went to Korea, Iraq, or the field we were home, luckily we had family nearby. As civilians we've moved more, ironically.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing with us at #MMBH!
XOXO
www.mrsaokaworkinprogress.com
I've gone home to my parents' twice and I've stayed put once (so far). There were really good reasons for going back the first two deployments...we were expecting a baby during the first one, and I was able to get extra time with my grandmother before she passed away during the second. This time, I chose to stay put for the same reasons you listed above, and I am SO glad we did!! Many thought I was crazy for staying behind with two kids, moving into a new house by myself, and all of the other stuff that sounds out of the ordinary to civilians. Lol. The choice is personal for everyone and changes with time. I agree your family tries to be there for you the best way they know how, but the truth is..they don't live it like we do, so they will never understand. I've learned no matter the length of the deployments, and no matter the various situations we all go through...we are all "Superwomen!"
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post! God Bless! ��
If you're in a military community and your active within it you're a part of a family and they understand how it is
ReplyDeleteMy main reason is... I have nowhere to go! Except maybe my in-laws. But I just can't live at someone else's house for an extended period.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you! I like my things and I like my junk food. My mom watches me eat crap and gives me a look like I should pick up an apple instead.
ReplyDeleteI've never "gone home" in the twenty-two years I've been a military wife. The first few deployments were the hardest--I worried I couldn't possibly do it. But I learned so much about myself, my abilities and my strengths that I would never trade that for the world. There are some great reasons for "going home," for instance if you're expecting a baby or if you have a special needs child. But the personal growth you can experience while staying put is priceless.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you - I would want to stay in my own home with my familiar things around me. And yes, chocolate and cake definitely make everything better!
ReplyDeleteI always go home to visit when my husband deploys but I have never gone home for the entire time. My life is here now - whether he's with me or not. We don't have kids, so that's not a factor. I've made a life for myself here and I feel it makes me stronger.
ReplyDeleteLiving with your parents isn't totally stress-free either, especially when you have kids. We've done that for brief periods between semesters in college (when we had a few small kids) or between moves, and it's hard because you're both getting in each others' way. It makes it easier in some ways, harder in others.
ReplyDeleteMy husband isn't in the military so I had no idea this was a topic of conversation. I am way too old and set in my ways to go home for more than a short visit. My dogs would drive my mom and step dad crazy and they couldn't take in the chickens so it would never be an option if Joe was out of town on work. I couldn't leave my house anyway because someone has to do the yard work ect.
ReplyDeleteI think your independence is a sign of strength. You know who you are and what your kids need.
I don't come from a military background, but I would choose to stay home too. Seems like it would be more stable for the kids. And like you said, Home is where you make it. But everyone's situation is different.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine anyone moving "home" as as you said your home is where your family is. Or the place you live, I couldn't imagine packing up and moving just so I wasn't on my own
ReplyDeleteMe either, but I understand some people take comfort in it.
Deletecouldnt imagine this.
ReplyDeleteOn my husband's 1st deployment I was already home cause I was in my senior year of high school and had just had our son. But on his second deployment we were stationed in WA. We had only been there 7 months when he was told he would be deploying. At this point I had our 3 year old son and our baby girl who wasn't even 1 yet. I didn't have any friends or family near and we lived off post. So I went home for eight months and moved back a month before it was time for him to come home. I got us a house and moved all our stuff in. That worked for me then. But if he was to deploy again I'd stay right where we are. Mainly because my kids are 7 and 5 now and they are in school and I have good friends and my mom comes up 1 a year to visit.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, if I were a senior in high school I'm sure I'd be home too. And I know it's tough to move everything in on your own, so kudos to you.
DeleteI have a friend that goes home when her kids on on break from school but other than that, she is home. Her husband is retired now though so she gets to stay home all the time now.
ReplyDeleteHaving raised my twin daughters as a single mother, I don't understand why in the world you would want to go back to your childhood home.
ReplyDeleteSome people find comfort in being around family. I love my family, but I need to be in my own area with my things.
DeleteAs a kid, my family had lived with my grandparents on occasion, the longest time being 6 months, when we were getting ready to move overseas and no longer had a house. My family is very close, but I've always been pretty firm in my stance that I'd like to avoid ever living with either my parents or my parents-in-law. I really like being 'woman of the house'. We actually live in the same apartment complex as my parents--4 floors away from them, and even that may be slightly too close on occasion, although really it's most of the time really convenient--I'll babysit my much-younger sisters when mom and dad have meetings and mom will call when she's at the grocery store to see if I need her to pick up anything.
ReplyDeleteWe are not military, but I think I would feel the same way as you. When we were married, my ex-husband worked off shore, 30 days at a time. But my home was where we lived, not where my parents live. I am now a single mother and I do not feel the need to move in with my parents, for many of the reasons you listed above. My kids and I have our own lives, and our own routines, and while I love my parents and they help me out a ton, I would not want to live with them again.
ReplyDeleteYup, I feel exactly the same way!
DeleteThis is such a good post! I think it very much depends on the season of life you are in and where your spouse might be deploying from. I've done both -- go home and stay put -- and I loved them both for different reasons. In fact for one, I went to culinary school overseas! The best part of deployments is when they are over :)
ReplyDeleteI alway felt that my husband deploying he was dealing with being away from home the last thing he needed to come back to was a different place. He needs to feel like I am his rock here in our home.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was national guard, so when he deployed I was already home. That said, IF I'd gone home I would have got my own house for the time period for all of those reasons. And, truthfully, I probably wouldn't have - especially if we were just going to be moving back at the end of the deployment. Deployment is difficult enough without adding in a move and new schools to it.
ReplyDeleteYou make great points. One of them being the kids in school. I think maybe ladies need that extra support with a new baby but other then that if you have a schedule there's no point of starting a new one. Routine works best for everyone at that point.
ReplyDeleteI love and respect that you thought about your children's well being too. It must be very stressful for them as well!
ReplyDeletei did not have to make that choice myself but definitely see your point.for my own and for the kids sake, i would stay put too...
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be managing pretty well in your lovely set-up. Like you said, family, our personal belongings and a lot of warmth maketh a home. <3 Cheers!!
ReplyDeleteMy living room looks like that too every time my husband deploys. They have soooo much gear! I don't "go home" either for all of those reasons. There's nothing quite like the comfort of your own home.
ReplyDeleteI never went home and my daughter has never come home when our husband were deployed. Home is where we are living.
ReplyDeleteI didn't go home after that first deployment or any other one as a matter of fact, even though like you, I would have been welcomed. My hubs and I talked about it and it was important for him to know I could handle things on my own. And I did, so over the past 23 years and 6 more deployments, he has that peace of mind while he is doing his thing.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice that you've established your comfort zone even when your husband is deployed. I think kids need that stability growing up.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you kept home a home for your husband when he does return. A move and dad gone could have been double rough on everyone
ReplyDeleteI love hearing that you are secure and happy where you are...at home. I suppose that you are used to moving growing up but it is probably easier on your kids that they get to stay in one school and one place for a longer period of time. ( And 3 cheers for junk food!)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like being at your own Home is right for you. I can see why for others going to their parents maybe best too, I guess it is all about how you cope and what you need.
ReplyDeleteMy mom moved in with her parents when my dad deployed overseas but it was brief. I didn't really think of all the challenges she must have had with 2 small children and a husband serving overseas.
ReplyDeleteI did go home when my husband was deployed to Korea for the year. I was a very young mom, with a new baby, and 500 miles away from family.
ReplyDeleteIt's so important to consider the pros and cons before doing something like moving during a deployment. I understand liking to have your own space.
ReplyDeleteListen, where you stay when your loved one is deployed is your business! My friend Rachel stays put. And like you she has friends to support. But the kids would be miserable with a house change and possibly new schools- I think I would want Continutiy of routine at home. Hope he’s home soon!
ReplyDeleteIt is so great that you decided on your own to stay and that it's best for you and your family. I think having your kids to have a stable school life is very important for their growth. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI really honestly don't blame you. I would have done the same.
ReplyDeleteI think as you said it is a personal decision, one which you should make for your current situation not to meet other people's expectations or assumptions.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a personal decision and I respect that. For me, I would still go home. Of course, I miss my better half!
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you would choose to make where you are, especially with kids, your own home. It seems like there is always support where you are, and maybe you feel like that's home.
ReplyDeleteIt's honorable but very hard being part of the military family. We have been there and glad that my husband is finally retired. Thank you for your husband's services.
ReplyDeleteYou sure have some strong ideals & values which I really appreciate. If it were me, I think I'd do the same & most of the reasons would be similar as well. You are really brave & I'm sure this is the best decision as a family. :)
ReplyDeleteMilitary families have so many difficult decisions to make on a regular basis. As long as you're doing whats best for yourself and the family, thats all that matters.
ReplyDeleteI'm not married, nor do I have kids but if I was and my husband was deployed I would stay at my own home too. I mean it just seems silly to go back to your parent's home unless you just absolutely had to, like you said if you had a brand new baby or something. People ask weird questions sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI completely get that. Going "home" wouldn't work for me either. I would rather be in my own home doing my own things.
ReplyDeleteMy niece went home when her hubby was deployed. I never understood that myself as I couldn't live with anyone else, lol. I want my own home, my own things, etc. She had to put everything in storage.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written! I am so big on personal space and doing things because its within your heart! your reasons seem totally thought through and sweet.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post, and I think many people wouldn't understand unless they've lived in your shoes. I wasn't married to my husband when he deployed, I give you my heartfelt thanks!
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to be in your own home, even though you would be definitely welcomed by your parents. You gave the best reasons, and I totally agree with all of them!
ReplyDeleteGood for you. Deployment can be so difficult for families and everyone will always have an opinion of what you should do. Good thing you have your own plans and response when they ask.
ReplyDeleteI admire how you handle deployment. If it works, don't fix it!
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's because I grew up as a military brat myself, but I never really understood why women are often expected to go live with parents when their spouse is deployed. I'd hate to give up the comforts of things that are "mine"!
ReplyDeleteI totally admire you on how you handled it... :D... but yes getting over it and having a cake must have helped you... :)
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I don't blame you one bit. I love my parents and have always loved to visit but they always tend to treat me like I'm still 12 years old. I love how they fawn over me but I think keeping the same schedule is important for the family.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't want too many disruptions or upheavals at the same time. It's bad enough if you have to move often due to relocation and then to do it during deployment would be too much. Home is where you make it.
ReplyDeleteOf course the home you share with your husband is your home! Some people are so silly. I've known a number of people whose spouse got deployed andthey didn't pack up and move either.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely stay put as well especially as my kids are already settled in a school where we live. I admire how you handle deployment.
ReplyDeleteSubomi|My Fashion Musings
Never being in that position I can't say what I would do. From what I hear though most have support of other spouses, and especially those with kids, which might make staying would keep more of a schedule for everyone.
ReplyDeleteI really don’t have any family left so I doubt I’d go anywhere if my husband were to deploy or go somewhere for long periods of time. Plus, I like being in my own space. - Jeanine
ReplyDeleteIf my husband was in the army, I don't think I'll go home to my parents and leave the house. I'd feel so much at home... in my own home and I wouldn't want to pack up and start adjusting to life with my parents again. I completely understand why you didn't leave.
ReplyDeleteI was 11 the first time my Dad was deployed to the Middle East for a year. He'd been gone for guards and trips to Korea and Japan and Costa Rica, but never to a war zone and never for so long. I was young enough at the time I did not even consider that my mom would want to move closer to my grandparents for help. She would have had every right to! There are 7 kids in my family and at the time they ranged from 5 years old to 17. Looking back, I can't believe my mom was able to take care of 7 very active kids that year by herself but she managed. I have profound respect for military wives and military moms.
ReplyDeleteMy mom moved in with her parents when my dad deployed overseas. There's a lot of things to consider when prepping for deployment and honestly where you plan to call home is a huge one.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand you, there are just times when you become used to being with your family and your possessions that you can manage without having to go back home. I also stayed on my own for months when my hubby had to work abroad but that didn't make me go back home as much as it was an obvious thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your reasons. Going home to your parents would be nice, but only for a short time. Being with family is always great, but the kids deserve a sense of stability. You're doing great, and I know your kids and your husband are very thankful for your decision to stay put.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people could learn from you. You are very strong and brave for doing what you do.
ReplyDeletePutting your kids first is what makes you so amazing. I really love and value the lessons you have to teach us.
ReplyDeleteVery valid reasons on why you didnt go back home. Look you like your space and also changing the kids school would of been disruptive.
ReplyDeleteThese are very understandable reasons on why you didn't go back home. I would feel the same way. I like to create a schedule of my own and stick to it.
ReplyDeleteI would probably just stay in my own home and continue with life. Soon, my hubby will be home. Besides there's more to life after he leaves.
ReplyDeleteI 'get' all of these points. I wouldn't go back to my parents either. :)
ReplyDeleteI do not think any one blames you either. You are a great role model to everyone around you.
ReplyDeleteThis is a big reason you are amazing. You are always thinking about your kids and staying strong for them.
ReplyDeleteHi. Home is where your heart is. You are doing great job as a "single" parent when your husband is not there. You are very independent.
ReplyDeleteI completley hear you on this. Especially how you need your own space and that your home is your home with your husband (and how you don't want to have to uproot the kids).
ReplyDeleteI am not married to a military person but can understand some of your feelings in this post. Home is wherever your heart and your family is. :)
ReplyDeleteI am not with a person with the military, but I have learned a lot from your post. Putting your children first is always a priority. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. You are a strong woman making great choices for your kids! You Got This!
ReplyDeleteYou are one strong ass cookie - and I am glad you didn't go home either. You proved to yourself and your husband that you can hold the fort if you will while he's away kicking ass!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMy dad was not a military man, but a fireman, certainly not the same thing, but undoubtedly I also lived long periods without him when he left to handle great calamities like natural disasters or earthquakes and he was away weeks ... and yes when they come back it's all a change, traveling and being together!
I never understood those that felt they had to go home. Home was where ever we were stationed at the time.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about military life, so I guess I'm surprised that anyone would go back to their parents? Just because your SO is deployed doesn't mean you should just move back home.
ReplyDeleteoh goodness this is hard- ive had several friends go through this over the years and i know it never gets easier- i hope it dos though and its ok to not go home too as long as you have a great support system!
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand your reasoning for staying put while your husband is deployed. It's such a personal choice and you have to do what's best for you.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with your choices. They are already dealing with separation from their dad, they dont need any more change.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with what you did. I think you need to have your own space. I love visiting my family but I also love having my own place too. I think everybody has to do what is right for them.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome and I for sure agree! Your place is with your kids at your own space and yes you get to do your own things which is great.
ReplyDeleteMy husband doesn't serve, but I am certain I wouldn't go home. I have my life here, with my dearest friends, and family can come see me anytime.
ReplyDeleteIt is a weird feeling when "home" is no longer where you grew up but where you now live with your own little family. I think keeping this as normal as possible for your kids with the same routine probably helps the transition of your husband being deployed and him coming back.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been in that situation, but I don't think I would move in with my parents either, especially with my kids. I think it is more comfortable to have your own stuff and routine.
ReplyDeleteI think your choice is good. As long as someone is able to manage , I don't find any reason of going home. Moreover, you will have more spacious time .
ReplyDeleteIt must be quite difficult to be in this type of situation. You know what to do already when your husband is out. I know a lot of people who get through something like this as well.
ReplyDeleteThat's a weird question for someone to ask you. Why would you uproot your family's life? I wouldn't "go home" either.
ReplyDeleteI might want to just visit and stay for a week or two. I like to be around my family but I appreciate my own schedule too.
ReplyDeleteThroughout our marriage my husband has traveled. Not for as long as deployments by any means, but significant chunks of time. He is also working out of town during the week so your list of issues resonated with me. Even if my husband was gone for that amount of time, I probably wouldn't go "home" either.
ReplyDeleteMy husband isn't in the military, but I understand a great deal where you're coming from. I love having my own space as well!
ReplyDeleteI think you have great reasons to stay home when he deploys. It's nice that your kids get a little more stability too. I also do like my own TV!
ReplyDeleteYou already have your own home so why would you go "home?" :) Military life sounds tough, but looks like you are one tough woman. =Lynndee
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't consider moving back with my parents but I don't have kids. I imagine everything is more complicated when you have children.
ReplyDeleteThis is very informative. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of why you don't go home!
ReplyDeleteAll great reasons! Both of my parents were military, but if my mom hadn't been in the army I can't imagine my she would have gone home every time my dad deployed.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you 100%. Home is where the heart is. Your heart is where you kids and hubby are and even though he isn't with you in person while he is deployed his spirit is there and that would make me feel closer to him while he is away. Thanks for sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteThat is interesting how you grew up in a military family as well... you already know how things work when it comes to your husband being deployed. Makes sense as to not leaving.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you! Being able to stay in your own space and keep your kids in their school and current routine was probably best as long as you knew you could handle it, which it seems like you'll be just fine! Thanks for sharing your experience!
ReplyDelete